杂记[20260713]

Finally, I have reached middle age. Do all childhood dreams come true? Do I want to be the person I once dreamed of becoming?
These are complex questions, hard to answer.

Without a doubt, time seems to be passing faster and faster. My son just celebrated his fifth birthday, yet I still vividly remember the day he was born. Watching him grow from a tiny, cute baby into an active little boy feels like it all happened just yesterday.

I must admit, it’s hard to feel truly happy or laugh out loud easily these years, except when I am with my son and wife. I don’t know why, but it feels as if there is an invisible net that has wrapped around me, restricting my movements and leaving me feeling despairing. I often feel trapped, lacking the ability to change my situation.

I am satisfied with my family; I love my wife and son. As for my career, I’d give myself a 60 out of 100. It’s just an ordinary job with no raises and no prospects for promotion. Besides, I might even be laid off in the future. Who knows? Fucking it, just leave it to time.

Yet, as an ordinary middle-aged man, I still want to make an effort to change my life deep down. I want to provide a better environment for my family.

But how? What is the answer? Obviously, I don’t know.

I shouldn’t worry about things beyond my control; I just need to focus on what I can handle.

Maybe I won’t earn a massive fortune.
Maybe I won’t become a boss running a huge company.
Maybe I will always be an ordinary person.

But I think I have finally accepted myself. I accept all the ordinary aspects of my life.I am just an ordinary person surrounded by ordinary things—neither outstanding nor deeply flawed. And that is the real me.

I will keep learning programming languages like Python, C#, Shell, C++, and C.
I will never give up on learning English, no matter what the results are.
Just do it. Make a little progress, day by day.